Wall Street 2025 Bonus Bloodbath: Who’s Cashing In and Who’s Getting Left Behind

Wall Street’s bonus season just dropped—and the gap between haves and have-nots has never been wider. Here’s the brutal breakdown.

The Crypto Cowboys Ride Again

Digital asset traders are cleaning up, with bonuses surging 40% as Bitcoin flirts with $100K. Meanwhile, traditional equity desks? Barely keeping pace with inflation—if they’re lucky.

AI or Die

Quant funds leveraging next-gen machine learning algorithms are posting record payouts. Everyone else? Still trying to explain why their ‘disruptive’ blockchain pivot failed. Again.

The Compliance Tax

Regulatory teams are seeing their bonuses slashed 15%—turns out hiring 200 lawyers to navigate crypto rules doesn’t actually make you money. Who knew?

One hedge fund MD summed it up best: ‘We used to print money. Now we just print compliance reports.’ Happy bonus season, folks.